Vacuum Cleaner Series: The problem with Vacuums

Clunky, heavy, loud, annoying.  If anything can make cleaning less appealing it is the common household vacuum cleaner. Dusting is easy, just spray and wipe.  Sweeping and then mopping the kitchen floor? I have no problem there. But when it is time to go into the closet and dig out the prehistoric behemoths that inhabit each floor of my house (yes I have two, more on that later), it fills my soul with dread.

Why the inescapable feeling of being lead to my doom?  The answer is poor design. Today marks a day where I will add a new keyword to my blog: awful. Vacuums are awful, everyone knows it, but I'm going to try and quantify why in my Vacuum Cleaner Series.  The ambition here is to examine a Vac company until most of them are exhausted, and then at the end proclaim that either yes, advances have been made, or that no, there is no hope despite all the industry hype.

Hey, that looks familiar.Did it even change at all?
Who could guess that 103 years later it would still suck?

Maybe I'll look in-depth at features such as the inner workings of Hepa filtration and retractable cords, but for the most part this will merely examine the modern vacuums of today through layman's eyes.  I intend to determine if any vacs are worthy per my criteria as follows:

THE LIST - is it too much to ask?

• Weight. This oft overlooked aspect of the vac is, in my opinion the most important aspect.  So what if it can suck your pets into it from the other room if it can't perform this basic of requirements.  Be Light.  Be transportable. If I want to vacuum my entire house in 20 minutes because company is on its way, I should be able to do that without back pain the next day from a 20 lb vacuum. 
• Falling over. This happens all the time. Today might be the day I spend a good solid 30 minutes just on one room with the vac.  I have my upright with its hose attachment, so I get out the hose and do my baseboards, pulling the rest of the vac with me as I go. But the upright portion falls over. Again, and again.  Why isn't it stable, especially since it weighs so much? This has happened with any upright I've ever used with a hose. 
• The cord situation. Vacuuming itself is drudgery. But ad to that the wrapping and unwrapping of the cord before and after every episode and it makes me want to live in a hut with dirt floors. At least you don't have to wrap and unwrap a cord with a broom. Retractable cords end up breaking and you have to wrap it anyway. And the entire time you vacuum, while your one hand is torqued to push and pull & your back is bent over, your other hand is the designated cord corraller. Woe to those who run over the cord with the vac, it usually chews it up. And once you reach the end of your cord leash, you need to walk the whole way back to unplug it, then plug it in somewhere closer to finish the job. 
• Emptying. Some people prefer bags, some bagless. Whatever it is, make it simple and not messy. 
• Hepa Filters. Shouldn't they be in all vacuums by now?
• Profile. It should be low so you can go under the furniture.
• Loudness.  Can it be toned down a bit?
• Suction. It should suck well, not badly.  It should pick up that piece of lint on the floor without me going over it 100 times.